I have worked out that as much as I'd like to think of myself as a free spirit, open to excitement and mystery, I'm really just a creature of habit who hates change.
It really began at the end of 2012 when I had a car accident just before Christmas and my car was completely fucked up, the accident wasn't my fault, a chick turned right without looking and I was going straight with a green light and had nowhere to go but into her car (we were both fine). It's taken until today to get it all sorted out, well, partially anyway, I know what is happening now at least but I still don't have the money from it being written off.
I had my brother's car for a week over Christmas/New Years while he was away, but since then I've been car-less, which is the first time ever since I first got a car when I was 19. It does make life a whole lot harder without a car. The hardest thing for me has been trying to get to the gym, I've had to go on the tram which really makes it that much harder to get my ass out of the house at 6:30 in the morning to get there, so I haven't been going regularly at all. I should really sort my bike out and ride there, although the prospect of doing that at 6:30 in the morning is also really unappealing! It's also hard to see Glenn at the moment too because it involves very long and boring tram rides, if I didn't get motion sick on trams then it'd be fine, I could read or use my phone, but just sitting there for over an hour feeling vaguely unwell is really tiresome.
One of the other things that's unsettled is work, my direct supervisor left before Christmas and they didn't manage to fill the position, I didn't apply because my manager (the one above my supervisor) pretty much hinted at me that there is no way I'd get it (we've had a tense relationship for a while), but then they didn't fill it, so now they've put me in the acting role and my manager seems to be encouraging me to apply for it when it's re-advertised, so not sure what happened there but she's completely changed her tune.
The problem is that the person previously doing it left in December, so there's been no handover, no process notes, no nothing! And on top of that, I'm still doing my old job as well. Luckily it's still quiet at the moment otherwise it would be a complete nightmare. Because it's a far more senior role with a lot more responsibility, I'm petrified of fucking it up and proving my manager right, so everyday is quite stressful just because of that. I think I'm doing okay, but I've realised that I have a deep-seated fear of failure that's hard to get past and has really held me back in everything. Confidence in myself is definitely something I need to work on.
The third thing that's unsettled is trying to find a flat, I've only been looking for a couple of weeks but I'm already over it. I am excited about getting my own place, but not excited about all the crap you have to go through to get there. It's also really really hard to go house hunting without a car, I've been limited to looking when my brother doesn't need his car, or going to places that have open for inspections after work and are near a train station. I've got an application in for one at the moment and I'm crossing my fingers that I get it, it's large for a 1 bedroom and in a good location, I just hope no one beat me to it or has better references than me.
I've kind of lost motivation for everything at the moment, I'm not sure exactly what is going on but I guess I feel a bit depressed/stressed with all the uncertainty in my life right now. I like things to be stable and I like my routine and I just can't have that at the moment.I need to find my motivation again soon though, otherwise I'm going to turn into a slob, fast.
I need my Crossfit routine back, it was so ingrained before that I didn't really have to think about it, just got in the car and went, now it's a big hassle. My eating also hasn't been stellar, I think I'm still in holiday mode. I need to get back to where I was before Christmas, only eating 3 times a day, no snacks and minimal, if any fruit. I was feeling good then and I think I'd dropped some weight, now, not so much, I think I have an extra roll of fat developing over my ribs.
I have had two diet wins this week though, two nights I really really wanted takeaway, but I had some meat in the freezer and veggies in the fridge, so I ended up cooking really simple paleo meals,which turned out to be awesome and saved me money as well. It really shows that preparation is key, if I didn't have any meat in the freezer or random veggies in the fridge then it would have been pad thai or pizza for sure, but because I had the option to be healthy, I was able to take it. Weekends are always a struggle though, but hopefully I can get to a point where I can pick good choices even if we do get takeaway or eat out. I need to get Glenn on board more cuz I'm so easily tempted into being bad if someone else is!
So anyway, even though I am unmotivated and not making headway on anything, I do have some goals for 2013 which I'm going to put here so that I can check back and see how I'm going.
- Find a new flat
- See friends more
- Read more books
- Do uni work well ahead of time, stay organised
- Man the fuck up and get over being scared of everything
- In particular, stop being scared of failing and just do my best, at everything
- Pay off credit cards
- Actually get some savings and an emergey fund
- Buy a car, or learn to live without one
- Get more professional looking work clothes
- Look more professional (hair/makeup)
- Act more professionally
- Less fucking around on the internet
- Give this job a real shot and apply when it's advertised
- Find a new job if this one sucks
- Go to Crossfit at least 3 times a week, try for 4
- Eat Paleo 80% of time, for real and only break it for something totally worth it
- Make better choices when eating out/getting takeway, there are always better options!
- Sort out knee issues
- Climb that fucking rope
- Go down a band in chin-ups
- Stop thinking I can't do it and just fucking try my best
So basically, 2013 is the year of letting go of fear, trying my best and acting more like an adult. I'll keep you posted.